Saturday, December 17, 2005

snowtards!

Winter is finally here! And, more importantly, the snow is here! Lots of it! Good, wet snow...they call it "heart attack snow" or "widowmaker snow", due to the propensity of elderly men to collapse to their knees, clutching thier chest, wailing into the bitter wind, "This is the big one! Elizabeth, baby, here I come!"

This time of year I notice all the little miracles of nature, such as the geese instinctively flying south and the snowtard's spontaneous loss of the ability to operate a vehicle. Seriously, if you really think it's not safe to take your car over 10MPH, maybe you should just hibernate for the winter. As bad as the driving is around here in the winter, the thing that drives Sy and I nuts is Winter Parking Rules.

We first noticed the phenomenon of Winter Parking Rules several years ago. Winter Parking Rules state that if there is any visible snow on the ground anywhere, this allows you to park wherever the hell you feel like; you may straddle the lines in a parking lot no matter how little snow obscures them, park directly in front of entrances of buildings, thus blocking off any easy access for handicapped people...in fact, you can park in handicap spaces if even a flake of snow is resting on the painted wheelchair guy symbol that serves to designate a parking space as set aside for the hanicapped. We've even seen people park between the rows of parking spaces, in the lanes that are supposed to be used for transporting your vehicle between the rows of parking spaces. They got a note from us...it included the word "retard".

And then, of course, there are the people who decide to wait for a parking space near the front, thereby holding up everyone behind them just so they don't have to spend an extra 30 seconds walking outside. Seriously, if you're that adverse to cold weather, maybe you picked the wrong climate. Do everyone a favor and move to Arizona.

The interesting thing about waiting for a parking space near the front is that the people who are getting in the car, about to leave, are very reluctant to give up their awesome spot, even though it is of no use to them anymore. They become very territorial, plodding along, dragging their feet, even checking their oil, just to hold on to their coveted spot for a few moments more. Why these people aren't dragged from their precious parking spaces and beaten senseless by everyone who is waiting behind the guy waiting for that space is beyond me.

2 Comments:

At 6:35 AM, Blogger "AG" said...

I suggest going to Michael's (do you have those out there?) or Joanne Fabrics and getting some white felt and a snowflake stencil. Simply cut out snowflake shapes and place them wherever!

Craftards is a far off in the future blog entry.

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger Sylvana said...

AG, that's funny that you should mention that, we were going to JoAnn's when we experienced the utter stupidity that inspired this post.

And the people in JoAnns were pretty tardy too!

 

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